Lost but found!

I moved across the country and changed my life completely, I left everything behind and reinvented who I was.
Yet sometimes I look around me and I feel lost, because I don't recognize anything that is me. I don't recognize myself anymore, whether that's good or bad I don't know. Maybe its good maybe in killing everything that was I have found myself, Maybe in reinventing myself I have really just found what was buried deep down all along.
But maybe its bad, maybe in killing everything that was once me I also killed me, maybe in reinventing me I have reinvented away the core of things I used to hold dear.
There are times I feel as if I am but an observer watching this girl who is supposed to be me living a life that is supposed to be mine.
I miss so many things from my former me, I miss the person I once was at some point. That girl who looked at the world with wonder and joy who had so much ahead of her and nothing behind her. Through living I lost the joy and wonder I lost the dreams, now I look at this girl and I wonder is this really me.
But that happens to everyone, we all reach a point where we realize the world is not the place we once thought it was. That the dreams we once had are lost somewhere along the road we have traversed.
But that doesn't necessarily mean we have lost ourselves it just means we have reinvented ourselves. we have changed the dreams we used to have because they no longer fit the person we are. I think the only crime in that is thinking that some how we have failed that we have somehow lost ourselves by living.
You haven't lost yourself just because the glasses have come off and you have gained knowledge, you haven't failed because you've changed. We all change, we all grow, we all learn!
Living and changing, that's part of life that's part of being who you are! So when your looking around and you don't recognize where you are and who you are and you feel those feelings of loss and failure know you haven't failed, you've been living!
With living comes change, growth, and even failure and that is beautiful!

#5

Sometimes I wish life came with a manual something we could follow that contained the answers we needed to succeed at life. Half the time I feel like I'm lost and the other half I feel...well...lost.
I never know what it is I'd really doing I just kinda fudge my way through and one way or the other get through each day.
Its a constant toss up of whether I'm actually doing it right, or I'm just so good at faking it that it looks right. Life is a constantly full of choices, left or right, up or down, here or there, him or her, that or this.
But let me pose this question to you, is there really a right way to live or is living just one of those things that is different for each person?
Sometimes I think we set the standard for what our life should be like based on what we see other people doing. But is life a one size fits all or are there different ways for each to fit their own personal version of life? Should our sucess really be measured by those we see around us or should we measure our own success based on the goals we set for ourselves?
I feel in striving to meet the standards society sets for us, we lose out on so much of living. Are we too concerned with what others say that we need to do, with what others say we need to be, of where others say we need to go?
I say happiness can only be measured by ourselves and how we feel. Really when it comes down to it at the end of the day, when we are lying in our bed with another day behind us, no one matters but ourselves and how we feel!
So who cares what others say we should be or what others say we should do, do what you want, live your life, and at the end of the day be proud of who you are!

#4

Last year I made a huge change, in fact this change involved me leaving everything and everyone I knew and moving completely across the states to I had no clue what. I moved out on my own with nothing but my clothes and a wish to start over.
I moved into an apartment and slowly but surely with a lot of hard work and a lot of patience I turned that empty apartment into what will soon be home. Those first few months were tough to say the least I knew no one, I had nothing, and to be very frank I was scared shitless that I would fail.
I felt so lost, so alone, so foolish, but I couldn't give up I couldn't go back my bridges were burned and whatever road I was on I was on for the long haul. To anyone that has done this you will understand that there is nothing easy about starting over especially when you are completely on your own with no one to fall back on but yourself.
Doing this has taught me so much about myself, it has shown me just how strong I am and even when I felt I wasn't strong enough I had to be because I had no other choice. Sometimes I look around me and I feel overwhelmed, overwhelmed with feelings of homesickness and a wish to call uncle and just run back to the known the comfortable to home.
I can't say what keeps me going, maybe its the need to accomplish to say I did it, maybe its because I really have no other choice but to keep going. Whatever it is there is nothing like the feeling of looking around you and seeing everything you have accomplished at how far you have come and knowing you did it on your own.
We have two choices when we face challenges in our life we can let it knock us down and we can stay down and give up, or we can fight our way back up and summon everything in us to keep going. Either choice leaves us battered bruised and exhausted, but one leaves us feeling lost and alone and the other lets us move on past the hardship we endure.
So I guess my words of wisdom with this ( if I have any LOL ) is life is full of ups and downs, full of hardship and challenge. But somewhere in all of us is the strength to overcome and endure, somewhere in all of us is the ability to stand on our own and take the journey one step at a time. To those out there that are experiencing and going through what I am I tell you if I can do it so can you. Hold in there, reach deep down inside and find the strength I know is there to keep going, to keep progressing to stand again when everything has knocked you down and to keep moving forward.

#3

I don't mean to make this all about love and loss, there are so many other factors in life that really its sad to make that our only focus. I feel that love and relationships are only a part of one big huge mess we call life. There are so many other facets so many other things that take up more of our time that to focus only on this seems silly and mundane, and truthfully very short sighted.

Here's a little nugget about me I am a teacher, a preschool teacher to be exact. I have been teaching for what seems forever now but in reality is about four years. I have loved every second of those four years, teaching is something that is born in me like something that just happens like breathing, sleeping, and eating. There never has been and I'm sure never will be anything I love more than teaching. To me its exhilarating to watch a child who at the beginning of the year didn't know his alphabet, didn't know his numbers, couldn't write on his own, discover and learn these things in such a short amount of time.

At such a young age children grasp such major concepts and skills, to think about the things children have to learn its amazing to think how their brains can function at such a high level for one as young as they are.

Now having said all that there are days when it takes everything in me to get through the day. Just like any job sometimes my brain and body just want to tell me " No, don't get up, just roll over and sleep its not worth the effort". Kids are a challenge they take full concentration and there is no down time, no time when you can just sit back and space out for a minute. They take every minute of your time every cell of your concentration.

But I love it and I wouldn't trade it for a thing, this is probably the biggest facet of my life and one I spend the most time on so why shouldn't I love it!

#2

Heartbreak is so hard its makes you feel as if you are breaking from the inside out. It makes you feel pain that no pill will ever be able to cure. It makes you want to curl up in a hole somewhere and never wake up because every thought that goes through your head brings you nothing but pain and misery.
I write on this subject because I recently have had someone break my heart. He knew what to say to me, he knew all the right lines, he knew what to do to make me feel just the right way. And then right when I felt like I truly could love him, as soon as I started to think that maybe he was the one he ripped my heart out threw it on the ground and smashed it to pieces.
I will never forget the moment when it ended and I felt like everything was over like my life was gonna end, and really and truly I didn't care. Everything I saw everything I felt was him and I couldn't stop it, I couldn't make it go away. I remember being curled up on the ground crying my heart out and not being able to say anything but " I don't want to hurt anymore" over and over again like a chant. As if some how the words would lessen the pain and make all the bad stuff just float away into oblivion.
I have a belief that everything in life happens for a reason, all the good and the bad happens for a reason because there is something in everything in life that we learn. Something in everything that changes us as a person and makes us who we are at this moment in time. As young as I am I have gone through a lot in life, I have experienced so much pain and suffering and as well as beauty and happiness.
This past year has probably been the toughest yet I have experienced things this year that no one can prepare you for no one can tell you how to feel about it. Things that make you do just what I did that night, things that make you feel just the way I described earlier.
But when I got up from the ground time and time again, when I dried my tears and stilled the sobs when I could again think past the pain and hurt that I felt. I knew that I wouldn't change a thing that I wouldn't go back and take anything away because each and everything that I have gone through has made me who I am today.
So when I climbed up off that floor yet again and I stilled the sobs that seemed to rack my body over and over again, when my thoughts could stop just chanting " I don't want to hurt anymore" and I could think. I knew that I was gonna be OK because despite the hurt I was feeling it was just another step in the journey of life. As long as I can get up again after wards and move on I will be okay and I will never change a thing.

#1

I am no expert on love being young yet I really have not experienced what I can truly describe as love. But that being said there really are so many fascists to love there is not just the love between a man and a woman, there is a love of a parent for their child that I have experienced to the fullest, there is the love of friends that I'd like to think I have experienced there are people in the world that I would give my life for they mean that much to me, there is the love of brothers and sisters believe you me this I have experienced to the oomph degree coming from a family of nine!

As I expressed in my earlier post I am a people watcher there is nothing I enjoy more in life than just sitting in a Cafe and observing people, their interactions, their reactions, their conversations. It gives me a thrill just to think that for one brief second I am experiencing a moment of someones life that will never go away it is written in history it is past and no one can go back and change it.

That being said I have observed many people that exhibit the habits of what this society dictates is what someone does when they are in love. That sweet look a man of seventy gives his wife that says I have loved you all these years and I will go on for eternity loving you. That shy bashful look newly acquainted lovers give each other that says I am not sure what I feel but its good whatever it is. That tired stressed look a mother gives her husband as the children run around her ankles that says I love you but boy sometimes I wish I didn't love you this many times! That doe eyed look newly weds give each other that says I see only you, I love only you. So many kinds of love, so different yet in some ways all the same, all saying that come hell or high water I love you!

I am in the newly acquainted lovers stage when I look in my mans eyes I feel something I won't say its love but whatever it is its good! But we have had our problems, our arguments, our ups and downs and just like anyone just getting together trying to find if we fit each other. Latest of our downs was last night, when the hard times hit just like a new plant being blown by a strong wind what we have seems to bend and break. As I lay in bed feeling like I'd just been kicked in the stomach I wondered if all this was really worth it. Is the whole trying to fit together really worth all the trouble? Is love and the feelings that come with that really worth all the hassle it takes to build it up? When I look at that old man looking at his wife as if its the first time hes seen her and seeing not her age but the beauty he knows is her I wonder if that will ever be me?
Life is hard, and not mincing words at all sometimes it just plain old sucks. Add the complication of love in is it really worth it? Does the gorgeous beautiful feeling it brings really cancel out all the negative that comes right along with it?

I suppose no one really knows the answer to all or even one of those questions, because really who can see the future who knows what will happen tomorrow or even an hour from now? All we can do is try and take one step after another and see where we end up. Life is not a sprint but a journey meant to be taken one day at a time. So I guess the answer to all those questions is I don't know but I'm willing to wait and find out. Maybe at the end of it we will both walk away, maybe at the end it won't work and we will both limp off to lick our wounds and recoup. And then maybe not, maybe what we have is real and it will work out, maybe we have found the person that does fit us, maybe the fights only bring us closer to something so beautiful. So the conclusion I have come to is painful or not, work or not, I am willing to try because love is to beautiful a feeling to walk away from!

Intro

The beginning...that's what this is, this is my beginning this is how I am starting my attempt at being a writer.

There is so much that I can say, so many thoughts that fly through our minds and yet never do we stop and sit and just write them out. The average human life is such a complex and interesting thing. Being a people watcher I love to just sit and watch people their interactions, their reactions, their posture, trying in some vain way to piece together the person they are. You see a person with an angry scowl and you think he is angry and yet we have no clue what thoughts are going through his head, what made him angry, what is causing him to hold on to this anger.

I do not plan on advertising this, I am merely throwing this out into cyber space and seeing how it progresses. I want to try in some way to describe this life I am living, I don't not think it will amount to much but wasted cyber space. But possible I or someone else will stubble across this later on and possibly it will bring a smile to their face.

I do not think my life is anything interesting or odd, in fact my life is probably the most ordinary, mundane, and boring life you will come across. But for no other reason than this compelling urge to write out this pitiful existence of mine I write this biography now.