Heartbreak is so hard its makes you feel as if you are breaking from the inside out. It makes you feel pain that no pill will ever be able to cure. It makes you want to curl up in a hole somewhere and never wake up because every thought that goes through your head brings you nothing but pain and misery.
I write on this subject because I recently have had someone break my heart. He knew what to say to me, he knew all the right lines, he knew what to do to make me feel just the right way. And then right when I felt like I truly could love him, as soon as I started to think that maybe he was the one he ripped my heart out threw it on the ground and smashed it to pieces.
I will never forget the moment when it ended and I felt like everything was over like my life was gonna end, and really and truly I didn't care. Everything I saw everything I felt was him and I couldn't stop it, I couldn't make it go away. I remember being curled up on the ground crying my heart out and not being able to say anything but " I don't want to hurt anymore" over and over again like a chant. As if some how the words would lessen the pain and make all the bad stuff just float away into oblivion.
I have a belief that everything in life happens for a reason, all the good and the bad happens for a reason because there is something in everything in life that we learn. Something in everything that changes us as a person and makes us who we are at this moment in time. As young as I am I have gone through a lot in life, I have experienced so much pain and suffering and as well as beauty and happiness.
This past year has probably been the toughest yet I have experienced things this year that no one can prepare you for no one can tell you how to feel about it. Things that make you do just what I did that night, things that make you feel just the way I described earlier.
But when I got up from the ground time and time again, when I dried my tears and stilled the sobs when I could again think past the pain and hurt that I felt. I knew that I wouldn't change a thing that I wouldn't go back and take anything away because each and everything that I have gone through has made me who I am today.
So when I climbed up off that floor yet again and I stilled the sobs that seemed to rack my body over and over again, when my thoughts could stop just chanting " I don't want to hurt anymore" and I could think. I knew that I was gonna be OK because despite the hurt I was feeling it was just another step in the journey of life. As long as I can get up again after wards and move on I will be okay and I will never change a thing.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
#1
I am no expert on love being young yet I really have not experienced what I can truly describe as love. But that being said there really are so many fascists to love there is not just the love between a man and a woman, there is a love of a parent for their child that I have experienced to the fullest, there is the love of friends that I'd like to think I have experienced there are people in the world that I would give my life for they mean that much to me, there is the love of brothers and sisters believe you me this I have experienced to the oomph degree coming from a family of nine!
As I expressed in my earlier post I am a people watcher there is nothing I enjoy more in life than just sitting in a Cafe and observing people, their interactions, their reactions, their conversations. It gives me a thrill just to think that for one brief second I am experiencing a moment of someones life that will never go away it is written in history it is past and no one can go back and change it.
That being said I have observed many people that exhibit the habits of what this society dictates is what someone does when they are in love. That sweet look a man of seventy gives his wife that says I have loved you all these years and I will go on for eternity loving you. That shy bashful look newly acquainted lovers give each other that says I am not sure what I feel but its good whatever it is. That tired stressed look a mother gives her husband as the children run around her ankles that says I love you but boy sometimes I wish I didn't love you this many times! That doe eyed look newly weds give each other that says I see only you, I love only you. So many kinds of love, so different yet in some ways all the same, all saying that come hell or high water I love you!
I am in the newly acquainted lovers stage when I look in my mans eyes I feel something I won't say its love but whatever it is its good! But we have had our problems, our arguments, our ups and downs and just like anyone just getting together trying to find if we fit each other. Latest of our downs was last night, when the hard times hit just like a new plant being blown by a strong wind what we have seems to bend and break. As I lay in bed feeling like I'd just been kicked in the stomach I wondered if all this was really worth it. Is the whole trying to fit together really worth all the trouble? Is love and the feelings that come with that really worth all the hassle it takes to build it up? When I look at that old man looking at his wife as if its the first time hes seen her and seeing not her age but the beauty he knows is her I wonder if that will ever be me?
Life is hard, and not mincing words at all sometimes it just plain old sucks. Add the complication of love in is it really worth it? Does the gorgeous beautiful feeling it brings really cancel out all the negative that comes right along with it?
I suppose no one really knows the answer to all or even one of those questions, because really who can see the future who knows what will happen tomorrow or even an hour from now? All we can do is try and take one step after another and see where we end up. Life is not a sprint but a journey meant to be taken one day at a time. So I guess the answer to all those questions is I don't know but I'm willing to wait and find out. Maybe at the end of it we will both walk away, maybe at the end it won't work and we will both limp off to lick our wounds and recoup. And then maybe not, maybe what we have is real and it will work out, maybe we have found the person that does fit us, maybe the fights only bring us closer to something so beautiful. So the conclusion I have come to is painful or not, work or not, I am willing to try because love is to beautiful a feeling to walk away from!
As I expressed in my earlier post I am a people watcher there is nothing I enjoy more in life than just sitting in a Cafe and observing people, their interactions, their reactions, their conversations. It gives me a thrill just to think that for one brief second I am experiencing a moment of someones life that will never go away it is written in history it is past and no one can go back and change it.
That being said I have observed many people that exhibit the habits of what this society dictates is what someone does when they are in love. That sweet look a man of seventy gives his wife that says I have loved you all these years and I will go on for eternity loving you. That shy bashful look newly acquainted lovers give each other that says I am not sure what I feel but its good whatever it is. That tired stressed look a mother gives her husband as the children run around her ankles that says I love you but boy sometimes I wish I didn't love you this many times! That doe eyed look newly weds give each other that says I see only you, I love only you. So many kinds of love, so different yet in some ways all the same, all saying that come hell or high water I love you!
I am in the newly acquainted lovers stage when I look in my mans eyes I feel something I won't say its love but whatever it is its good! But we have had our problems, our arguments, our ups and downs and just like anyone just getting together trying to find if we fit each other. Latest of our downs was last night, when the hard times hit just like a new plant being blown by a strong wind what we have seems to bend and break. As I lay in bed feeling like I'd just been kicked in the stomach I wondered if all this was really worth it. Is the whole trying to fit together really worth all the trouble? Is love and the feelings that come with that really worth all the hassle it takes to build it up? When I look at that old man looking at his wife as if its the first time hes seen her and seeing not her age but the beauty he knows is her I wonder if that will ever be me?
Life is hard, and not mincing words at all sometimes it just plain old sucks. Add the complication of love in is it really worth it? Does the gorgeous beautiful feeling it brings really cancel out all the negative that comes right along with it?
I suppose no one really knows the answer to all or even one of those questions, because really who can see the future who knows what will happen tomorrow or even an hour from now? All we can do is try and take one step after another and see where we end up. Life is not a sprint but a journey meant to be taken one day at a time. So I guess the answer to all those questions is I don't know but I'm willing to wait and find out. Maybe at the end of it we will both walk away, maybe at the end it won't work and we will both limp off to lick our wounds and recoup. And then maybe not, maybe what we have is real and it will work out, maybe we have found the person that does fit us, maybe the fights only bring us closer to something so beautiful. So the conclusion I have come to is painful or not, work or not, I am willing to try because love is to beautiful a feeling to walk away from!
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